Wasted life

Midge

Posted: 01.05.2005, 21:08

registered:

Posts: 620

Status: offline
last visit: 20.09.06

Well, I've failed again, but I'm trying to celebrate the positive side of it.

I told my old supervisor I was planning to submit at the end of April, and that helped her get back the rest of her comments, which were v positive - but she suggested I could make a bit more of the conclusion, which she said 'shouldn't take too long'. The target also gave me something to try vainly to hope for. But for a couple of weeks I was too exhausted to do much, and then I've been too sick of it (my other supervisor's comments particularly) to do much in the last few days. I suppose I should just switch back into the mode of 'Do as much as you can under the circumstances, and don't worry about how long it'll take to finish'. But how many more months?? As I've said before, it's a Catch 22 situation. I wake up and wish I wasn't alive, but I don't really want to be dead, as there's lots of things in life I'd miss out on. I just want to escape from the trap of the thesis. But while I'm alive, I'm obliged to keep working on it - I'm not mentally disturbed enough to justify chucking it in.

People this evening have given me the usual encouragements - just think how great it'll be when you're finished, you need to deny yourself other things now as it's important to get it out of the way, you must be nearly there now - the same things they've been saying for the last couple of years.

Still, it's helped to make me think again about life and what makes it meaningful. But I'll have to write about that later as I'm starving and there's a curry waiting for me in the fridge.

andy

Posted: 02.05.2005, 08:44

registered:

Posts: 792

Status: online

If you describe missing a deadline as failing, no wonder you're not enjoying your PhD! Everyone misses deadlines. You should be happy about how much you have done recently.

I also felt a sense of despair when I was really quite close to the end - I think it was because I couldn't imagine ever getting there and I didn't want to be evaluated anyway so I didn't _want_ to finish.

But you really are close to the end - just do some work on the conclusion and you can hand it in!

All she wants you to do is flesh the conclusion out a bit. If you were working full time, that might take a week... working part time it might take longer, but you can do it.

Bite the bullet and you could be free.

etc.

Midge

Posted: 02.05.2005, 16:22

registered:

Posts: 620

Status: offline
last visit: 20.09.06

Not just a deadline, but my final final deadline - people say "Set yourself a final deadline and then draw a line under it" - but what if you don't get anything done and the deadline arrives? How many more months will it drag on?

You mean you've finished, and you didn't tell us?

>You should be happy about how much you have done recently
What - 10 minutes of work? I tried to look at it today but I was so overcome with stress I had to leave it and go for a walk. The stress is like poison running through my veins.

>All she wants you to do
But what about my actual supervisor's comments? He basically wants the first third and the last third rewritten.

>That might take a week
How? When?

edited by: Midge, May 02, 2005 - 04:31 PM

andy

Posted: 02.05.2005, 17:44

registered:

Posts: 792

Status: online

> You mean you've finished, and you didn't tell us?

I did tell you.

And yes.

> What - 10 minutes of work?

Yes.

> I tried to look at it today but I was so overcome with stress I had to leave it and go for a walk. The stress is like poison running through my veins.

I know the feeling.

> But what about my actual supervisor's comments? He basically wants the first third and the last third rewritten.

If you really disagree, ignore him.

>>That might take a week
>How? When?

Well, it won't take a week when you're busy with other things. It might take a month if you do a bit each day.

Or the rest of your life if you don't

Don't judge yourself by some abstract standard. Understand that your feelings about it are part of what you need to overcome, and that it is not easy to force yourself to think about it. Then you'll understand what an achievement 10 mins of work is, and you'll be able to do another 10 mins the next day.

Midge

Posted: 03.05.2005, 09:04

registered:

Posts: 620

Status: offline
last visit: 20.09.06

>I did tell you.
Congratulations. Sorry, I must've missed it. Can you point me to it?

Phew - it occurred to me in the shower this morning that maybe your first post was ironic (a collection of similar 'encouragements'), but I see you were serious.

>If you were working full time, that might take a week

Sorry - I misunderstood that. I thought you meant 'If you've got a full time job, then it might take a whole week to flesh out the conclusion a bit (in your spare time in the evenings)'

andy

Posted: 04.05.2005, 01:16

registered:

Posts: 792

Status: online

[quote=Midge]>I did tell you.
Congratulations. Sorry, I must've missed it. Can you point me to it?
[/quote]

Maybe I didn't - I thought I did. Sorry if not.

[quote=Midge]Phew - it occurred to me in the shower this morning that maybe your first post was ironic (a collection of similar 'encouragements'), but I see you were serious.[/quote]

If only I were that witty.

[quote=Midge]Sorry - I misunderstood that. I thought you meant 'If you've got a full time job, then it might take a whole week to flesh out the conclusion a bit (in your spare time in the evenings)'[/quote]

Aah yes, that explains the confusion. Anyway, the main point remains that you should understand that the psychological barriers are real barriers and you should feel encouraged when you break through them, even if it's only a little. I found that when I was near the end I didn't realise it. It sounds like you are near the end too, but somehow your brain blocks you from being encouraged by that. That's what it was like for me, anyway.

Midge

Posted: 06.05.2005, 14:34

registered:

Posts: 620

Status: offline
last visit: 20.09.06

As my old supervisor said in Feb 2004:
Sorry to hear writing up has taken longer than you'd expected - but then it often does, and it's brilliant that you're so close to completing now. Don't give up - you really are on the home straight now!

I thought I was near the end last December, but my supervisor's comments always seem to take me back to where I was a year ago.

>If you really disagree, ignore him.
It'd be easy if I could just decide to ignore it all. But I feel that some of it needs following.

It's all very well being happy that I've managed 10 minutes of constructive work, but if it takes weeks of stress to get that far, is it really worth it? Particularly if it could go on like that for months and months. Maybe I do need psychological help.

andy

Posted: 10.05.2005, 19:34

registered:

Posts: 792

Status: online

I didn't say ignore it all, I said ignore your bad supervisor and listen to your good one.

Midge

Posted: 11.05.2005, 12:43

registered:

Posts: 620

Status: offline
last visit: 20.09.06

I meant 'all of his comments'.